Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Mr. Shit Pants


I had a boyfriend once who asked me to marry him. His looks and his intellectual curiosity could not compensate for the creeping insults disguised
as wit or the ever increasing bouts of inebriation.
By the time “the incident” occurred I was ready to be done.
He became known as

Mr.Shit Pants

We’d been dating a year when he showed up at my flat at 1 am in the morning palatik drunk. He stumbled into my bedroom and I told him “if you think I’m going to sleep with you you MUST be bloody well joking”. What a waste of breath, he was passed out already, so I went and slept on the couch in the front room.5am, he pokes his head around the door and asks me for a bucket. “a bucket?” “yes, a bucket “ he says. “what the hell do you need a bucket for”, I ask. “are you going to be sick?” “no” he says. “I, err, well I kind of had an accident?” I am thinking what the hell kind of an accident and then he tells me he sneezed and he well, err shit himself. OH MY GOD! I didn’t have a bathroom. I rented two rooms on the bottom floor of an old Victorian house and we shared a communal bathroom upstairs. I was going to have to get dressed and go find a bloody bucket and fill it with warm water. And to make matters worse he asks me if I could wash his clothes and meanwhile he will put the bedding in the bucket to soak. I guess he was thinking I could wash the sheets later.
That did it. I was out of there. I gave him the bucket and left.
Finito.
The End

21 comments:

Shupe said...

First thought that came to mind was the movie Trainspotting! Never in my wildest dreams would I imagine actually someone going through- well almost that!!!
Good thing you dumped the bloke!~

JafaBrit's Art said...

I have never watched Trainspotting? is it worth renting shupe?

Oh he ended up being such a nasty vile drunk, and wanted a whore and a nursemaid/cleaner.

Undaunted said...

Lol I'm guessing the brown streaks in your painting are to represent the er... accident?!

Your sketch book is going to be an absolute classic! I think it should be printed and made available to everybody! (hey, maybe he'll come across a copy and read about himself!)

Judith HeartSong said...

ack... you crack me up.

busbytest said...

you are really an artist...

Kris Cahill said...

You really do tell the best stories. I guess that was how you needed to finally get rid of that guy. I love the art you make with every event in your life!

Trainspotting is a very grim film, but really well made. However, it is one I can't sit through again.

San said...

That's what I call getting shat on.

Wonder if someone is putting up with him now. Oh, maybe it's that woman who cut her husband's penis off a few years ago.

painter girl said...

Oh My! You are one strong lady not to have decked him a good one.
Awesome page for your book. I agree with Un D that I would love to have a copy of your sketch book!

Colette Amelia said...

me thinkith that you are one of those lost Amazon women. The trouble and strife that you have seen...lived through, learned from,found artist inspiration with and then helped us all laugh about is awesome.

touche!

nolaa gallery said...

GGGIIIIIRRRRRLLLL!!!! You always suprise me!!!!!
:) You MUST write a book about your life,,,hey, you can even illustrate it!
LOL!

Philip said...

Although it is a horror story it is very funny! But are we ALL whiter than white in this respect? I have a few horror stories from when I was young .... but I don't think I'll go there!

LadyK said...

Thankfully you got rid of him. I was going to add "just in time" but, then you wouldn't have had another great entry in your art journal. lol

Jane Turley said...

Ha, ha, ha JafaBrit a classic story! Loved it!

Ps Was he a student??

JafaBrit's Art said...

Undaunted, yes you got it right about the streaks, ugh! Hum, getting it printed, now that is a fun idea to ponder :)

Kris my daughter tried to read trainspotting for a college assignment but she had a very very tough time with the vernacular. It sounds grim.

San, He was married and divorced and not sure about now. I do know that he continued being a total arse.

thanks colette :) now where is that bow and arrow,hum!

You know I have thought about that Jen, but until I started this project wasn't sure how to implement it. I think I may have to consider it.

well, err philip, hum, I haven't pood my pants, but I did get caught peeing on the castle keep stairs once. I think what did it for me is his idea he thought "I" should clean up after him, arg! and I had visions of this being my future and I RAN.

Well Lady, I have other characters in my life lol. My mum used to have names for all my boyfriends and would embarrass me shouting up the stairs when they came a calling, The vampire is here, the undertaker is here, Mr. chin is here.You can tell she didn't like my choice in boyfriends lol, and for good reason. My husband was spared the titles, at least not in front of me :)

Hiay Jane, I hardly recognized you there, hum you look so handsome. Oh was, he a student? no, he was a working man, a postman with delusions of pseudo intellectualism but his only skill was shitism.

The Lone Beader said...

Yep, that would have done it for me!

Heather said...

Ohhh, I know him...I think, no, I'm sure I dated him too!
Your book is going to be the best there is...I'm loving it.

Undaunted said...

Hehehe, Philip I confess - I have pooped myself whilst sneezing too, so my pants were definitely not whiter than white!! but

a) I wasn't drunk, and
b) I cleaned up my own mess!

(did I really just admit to that in blogland for all to see?)

Silly Swedish Skier Says So said...

I kinda wish you woulda rubbed his nose in it and said, "NO!" a lot of times. But then you might have gotten some on you, so nevermind. You did the right thing.
And I thought pissing the bed was bad.

Top Bird said...

OK, he takes first place for 'crap things my ex has done'. Wow. xx

Guerilla Embroidery said...

Oh dear! I'm going to have to think of something worthy for this piece of embroidery!

JafaBrit's Art said...

LOL!